Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
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Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.