“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
You Might Also Like
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
🤣🤣🤣
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.