My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
You Might Also Like
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.