[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
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every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I want this so bad
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.