The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
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18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach