“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
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Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
😩😩😩
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
🤔😂😂
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ