If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
You Might Also Like
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Practicing safe sax
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
This was a bad idea all around
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.