I’d … I’d rather not.
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ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.