Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
You Might Also Like
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
i was baptized in a car wash
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Google Pay be like:
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.