hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
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Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
(Gaming support cat.)
Ok, but like, how married are you?
repaired
is this a threat
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat