When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
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how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Life cycle of cat
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.