Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
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PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
(by @ZachWeiner )
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
best first i’ve ever seen
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume