16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
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“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.