SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
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[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
🤔😂😂
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!