For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
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I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.