me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
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I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.