I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
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Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
My loaf of bread looks terrified
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay