Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
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Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
your honor my client chooses dare
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.