(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
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Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”