Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
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I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
nobody’s gonna understand
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…