If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
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You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…