“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
You Might Also Like
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING