Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
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don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*