🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
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4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
A woman drives into a bar.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
2023 was just a warmup
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions