Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
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4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.