Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
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If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
lol
Why is everyone getting married at me
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.