If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
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i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
🍞🦆
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.