When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
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If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
“no gods no masters” = leo
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.