People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
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*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
do u think theres a butter planet?
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad