you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
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I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
This checks out
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.