Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
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GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
car not found
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.