I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
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What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
The options really are this bad
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.