the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
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Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
i made a craigslist ad !
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Stop it! 😂
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.