I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
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“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas