ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
You Might Also Like
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
My love language is hissing.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!