11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
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Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower