every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
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Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.