My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
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Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.