Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
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*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!