him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
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I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.