I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon