When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
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The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light