“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
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Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
podcasts
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry