BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
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This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
shampoo implies shampee
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.