6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
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[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.