My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
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I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ