Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
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Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Erm I’m gonna say no
step 6: release the wall snake
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies