Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
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[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Erm…
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]