The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
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My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him