“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
You Might Also Like
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”